Cast: Two narrators; number 2 is female.
N1: There was once a little man called Zac.
N2: This was short for?
N1: Zacchaeus.
N2: A long name for a short squirt like him.
N1: Are you listening, or trying to make funnies?
N2: Sorry. Pray continue.
N1: Zac's enemies, and he had plenty, called him...
N2: Rude names?
N1: (ignoring N2) ...Zacky the lackey, as he worked for the Occupation, or Tackey Zackey as...
N2: Money stuck to his fingers?
N1: Right!
N2: So he was a financial wizard
N1: A shark.
N2: A taxation expert.
N1: A big fiddler.
N2: Thought you said he was short?
N1: Oh shut up! This Zac was like a reverse Robin Hood.
N2: He robbed the poor and gave to the rich, like the Chancellor of the Exchequer?
N1: No, he robbed the poor, shook down the rich, unless they bribed him, and gave as little as he could to the imperial revenue. This Zac...
N2: Zac the tax, the lackey, the tacky...
N1: The same. He had no friends.
N2: Not one?
N1: No.
N2: Not even an tincey, incey, wincey one?
N1: No.
N2: (Sighing) Oh. Why not? After all, he must have had some redeeming features.
N1: He was rich...
N2: There now, I could get to like him.
N1: Filthy rich
N2: I could like him a lot .
N1: But he was short and fat.
N2: I do prefer a tall and slim man - but he was very rich? (Pauses) I suppose I could still get to like him if I made an effort.
N1: But he was really rotten.
N2: Really, really rotten?
N1: Yes the pits.
N2: No, I couldn't even begin to like him at all.
N1: Nobody did. So he filled his luxury penthouse suite with the latest hi-tech equipment: a 40 gigabyte abacus, a fan-assisted barbecue with laser control and a turbo-charged ox cart in his double garage.
N2: But these didn't compensate for his lack of friends?
N1: No, he was rich, rotten and lonely.
N2: Serves him right I say.
N1: Then one day Jesus came.
N2: He gave Zac a mouthful, I bet.
N1: Actually, no.
N2: What happened then.
N1: There was a crowd, you see.
N2: And Zac couldn't.
N1: Couldn't what?
N2: See, stupid!
N1: Yes, he could, but only legs and bottoms.
N2: He was only a micro in a maxi world...
N1: Who's telling the story?
N2: Well, get on with it, then.
N1: He tried crawling through peoples' legs to see Jesus but they just kicked him.
N2: They must've enjoyed that.
N1: He then tried squeezing his way through.
N2: But he was too fat?
N1: Right - so he ran round the side of the crowd and clambered up a sycamore tree.
N2: He what?
N1: He climbed up a sycamore tree.
N2: He was lucky not to get a hernia.
N1: I'd be more worried about the tree.
N2: What happened then?
N1: Jesus stopped under the tree and said 'Zacchaeus come down; I'm coming for dinner!'
N2: What eat with Zac. Tacky Zacky?
N1: Yes.
N2: I bet that went down like a string of pork sausages with the local rabbi.
N1: Zacchaeus slithered down the tree so fast that you'd think he had All-Bran and prunes for breakfast. Then he panted off yelling for his cook and butler. But you 're right about the rabbi.
N2: He was not happy?
N1: Let's just say his face turned puce under his sun tan. 'Fancy eating with that louse,' he muttered.
N2: I don't suppose Jesus worried did he?
N1: Not a bit. He just happened to say that God cared about louses too and followed Zac back home. But the surprising bit came later...
N2: Let me guess: Zac changed his mind.
N1: Wrong. Zac had a change of heart.
N2: What?
N1: Zac opened his cash box, gave away half his money on the spot and promised to pay back anyone he cheated four times the amount he'd taken from them.
N2: I bet there was a long queue. Is he still there? I'm sure I overpaid on my last assessment. Now let's see... 4 times 13 shekels equals...
N1: He's nothing left now... he's bankrupt. He gave away everything.
N2: (Slowly) So all his money's gone. He gave away everything.
N1: Everything. But he's a happy man.
N2: Bankrupt but happy.
N1: Yes. However he's got lots of friends.
N2: Good on you Zac. This Jesus must have made a real difference. Now, I wonder if I could introduce him to my tax inspector.